A few weeks ago I ran to Sam's Club one night after Adam and I had put Adeline to bed. As I walked across the parking lot, I saw a woman putting her kids into the car. One of the children, who I would guess to be under 3 years of age (given his size and the type of car seat being used) was crying hysterically. The woman yelled at the child and told him to "shut up." If you are friends with me on Facebook, you might remember me mentioning this situation. I really was so upset about it and felt sad for the child. I really don't think those are words that should ever be directed towards another person, especially a child.
So the next day, with this situation fresh in my mind, I pulled up Yahoo! in my browser and immediately noticed an article entitled 5 Things Parents Shouldn't Say to Their Kids. I clicked on it immediately because I thought for sure the words "shut up" would be one of the 5 things mentioned in the article. Well, they weren't. I did continue to scan the article and something else jumped out at me. According to this article, you shouldn't tell your young children to say they are sorry because they don't understand why they have to apologize and it "does not teach a child social skills." What?!? Now, I am not a child psychologist or a teacher or an "expert" of any sort, but I do think this is a bunch of bologna. Since when is an apology about social skills? I thought apologies were about restoring a relationship that has been hurt by a person's actions. I mean, maybe an apology is a social skill, but I hardly think that the express purpose of asking your child to apologize is for social purposes. Anyways...
{Quick disclaimer: The end of this portion of the article did say that when a parent is in the position where an apology is warranted, the parent should delivery the apology immediately in order to model the behavior being encouraged. That's not the part I have a beef with.}
I know that I have only been a parent for a little over a year, but I have had plenty of opportunity to observe young children over the years. And there is one thing I am quite certain of: children, even very young children, know when they are doing something wrong. Even at the ripe old age of 1 year, when we tell Adeline "No" she is likely to crumble. Pouty lip, alligator tears, crying - the whole shebang. So she is upset. She knows she did something wrong. And in a perhaps very immature emotional way, I believe that part of the reason she is upset is because she senses a shift in our relationship with her in that moment. A moment ago things were okay, and now we are upset with her. So if she can sense that, then I absolutely believe that a 3 year old or a 5 year old can sense when their actions have caused hurt to someone else or when their actions are in direct disobedience to someone else. So at what point is it appropriate to begin teaching a child to show remorse for their actions and seek to restore a relationship? If not at 3, is 8 the magic age? Or 10? You see, I do think we should begin at the very earliest of ages to show our children how apologies work and require them to do so. When Adeline begins to speak, and we ask her to say she is sorry, will she really understand what those words means? Probably not, but I believe we can show her how those words work and over time she will learn. Maybe it will go something like this...
Mommy: Adeline, please tell Daddy that you are sorry for not listening.
Adeline: I sorry {insert that pouty lip and alligator tears here}
Daddy: I forgive you, Adeline. Please listen to me next time when I tell you to put your shoes on. Okay?
{Adeline doesn't respond}
Daddy: Okay, Adeline?
Adeline: Okay.
{Adam hugs Adeline and "shows" her physically through that hug that he accepts her apology and has taken the steps with her to restore that momentary shift in their relationship}
Maybe that is a weak example and undoubtedly it will not always go that smoothly, but I have seen scenarios like this play out with young children that I know and their parents. And I have seen the recognition in these children's eyes. Recognition that they have done something wrong. Recognition that they have caused hurt to another person or disobeyed an authority figure. And finally, and most beautifully, recognition that the other person, while impacted, has forgiven them and does love them and want to restore the temporary brokenness as much as they do. The reason I think it is so important to start teaching a young child how apologies work and why they are necessary is because if you don't learn as a child, how likely is it that you will be able to use those 5 important words as an adult? I'm sorry. I forgive you. Just 5 words, but sometimes I think we would be hard pressed to find too many adults that use them regularly and mean them.
I'm a Christian, so I believe that we are all sinful beings. Each and every one of us from the moment we are born. I believe that there is only 1 person who can and has forgiven all of our sins, and that is God through the death and resurrection of his son, Jesus Christ. One of the unfortunate things about sin is that we can never overcome it by ourselves. So no, none of us is perfect. We are all going to hurt someone and in reality many people as we travel through life. And none of us is going to have this apology thing down pat. We are going to miss it at times - not even realize we have hurt someone or that an apology should be given. In our own pain and anger, we are going to withhold apologies at times. Bottom line, it is hard to say you are sorry sometimes. And if saying you are sorry is hard, I actually think that uttering the words "I forgive you" in turn might be even harder.
So will I refrain from asking Adeline to say she is sorry when she takes a toy from another child or when she lashes out at a younger sibling? Absolutely not. When I am having a bad day and I snap at Adeline unnecessarily, will I just keep on seething and leave her to believe that she has done something wrong? Or worse, leave her to believe that she is responsible for my sour mood? I pray that I won't. I may not do it every time, but I want her to see and hear that what I expect of her will be given to her in return. It is my hope and prayer that through this she will grow up knowing the importance of offering these words, whether she is in the wrong or has been wronged.
So was that heavy enough for you all? Ha! I'm done now :) And I promise that I won't be posting topics like this every day or even every week.
I hope you all had a great weekend.
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