Just a Stay at Home Mom

I think one of the things that I struggle with a lot in life is feeling content with the here and now. I always have my sights set on the next thing: the next home improvement project, the next stressful situation coming up that I can't wait to move past, the next birthday or holiday to buy gifts for, the next gift I want for that holiday or my own birthday, the next time I get to have some "me" time, etc. And sometimes I think that while it is good to anticipate, plan, or dream, I personally allow myself to go down the slippery slope of discontentment. (That's a word, right?)

Anyways, a year ago this month, Adam and I made the decision that I would quit my full time job outside our home to stay at home full-time with Adeline. While it wasn't an easy decision, it was one that I was ready to make.

Fast forward a year, I have been home with Adeline since the end of February - 9 months. And I'm sure many of you have seen on Facebook that each day for the month of November, people are listing something they are thankful for, myself included. And yesterday I was trying to think about what I was truly thankful for that day, and the phrase that kept coming to mind was, "I'm thankful that I'm just a stay at home mom."

Two things real quick:
1. I am willing to bet that some of you are sick of me talking about Adeline on Facebook, posting pictures of Adeline on Facebook, saying mom things on Facebook, etc. I mean this in the most sincere, non-rude way possible: I don't care. She is the joy of my life and while I don't feel like I have to share everything about our personal lives on FB, I enjoy sharing things about her and our family. I know that her story isn't ultimately mine to tell, but I will share the harmless tidbits, joys, and frustrations of being her mom.

2. This post is reflective of me, my thought process and emotions, my experience as a SAHM. It in no way is meant to reflect on any of the other moms I know.

So when this thought, "I'm thankful I'm just a stay at home mom," popped into my head, I literally spent several hours digging deep, if you will, to figure out why I was thinking what I was thinking. I'm complex like that, ha! Seriously though, it took me by surprise.

I was in heaven when I hung up my finance badge and stuck the mom badge on for good. I was so glad that I wasn't toting my baby off to daycare each morning. I felt like I was being given a second chance at being a worthwhile wife, homemaker, and mother. And to be quite honest, I felt like I was getting to know my baby in a way that I hadn't before - the only thing I deeply regret about going back to work for those 6 months after maternity leave.

And then the months moved on, and so did the realization that I contribute not one single, solitary penny to our bank account right now. This is not something that I thought would bother me. I was and still am surprised that this bothers me. It isn't really the money I miss, it is the contribution of the money that I miss. If that makes any sense at all.

Many of you know this, but for those of you who do not, Adam and I worked at the same company before I left. And when he comes home with funny stories about some of my favorite people from work, I all of a sudden feel like I'm missing out. Relationships that I value are now harder to keep up with. And then I think of all of hard work they are putting in to building this company, and I wonder if I settled. I miss contributing to that company. I look at the women there who are smart, funny, driven moms who can make the career and their families work. And they do it without the stress that I feel like was so visibly written all over my face for those 6 months. I'm not saying they don't feel stress, I'm just saying that they make it work. And I wonder why I couldn't.

When I pull on jeans, a sweatshirt, and pile my hair into a ponytail, I don't always feel content being "that" mom. Ironically, sometimes this is when I feel most content as well. Because let's face it, jeans are more comfortable than most of my work-appropriate attire was. The drawback is my work-appropriate attire was often cuter than my jeans are. Ha!

And finally, when I'm not comparing myself to the "old" Rachel, the one with the full-time job, or to one of my former co-workers, or to any of my dear friends who work full time, I am frequently comparing myself to other stay at home moms. And this is where, on certain days, I just crumble. I feel like so many other SAHMs contribute their talents to their families in meaningful ways. And I don't say this to get praise or compliments from anyone, but I just feel like I haven't figured out quite how I contribute to my family in a meaningful way.

Yes, I take good care of Adeline. But let me tell you the current list of things running through my head where I feel like I am falling short: I don't actively play with her enough. I don't take enough quality pictures of her (read: on my good camera, not my iPhone). I don't spend enough time trying to teach her colors, shapes, numbers, letters, songs, etc. I don't make crafts with her...heck, we don't own anything craft-like beyond crayons. I don't make photobooks or yearly books for her. I didn't take her picture each month of the first year of her life with a cute backdrop or a fun sticker on her onesie. I don't fix her enough wholesome meals. I don't take her on enough outings. I haven't made her anything (a picture for her wall, an outfit, a hat) because I feel like I have no talent for these things. And the list just goes on, and on, and on. And I know what you are all thinking (that I'm CRAZY), but this is what I'm feeling. It nearly brings me to tears when I can't get these thoughts to stop formulating in my mind. And these are just the thoughts focused on what I'm not currently offering Adeline. There are more concerning what I'm not doing for Adam or for myself even (like working out, or having a blog that more people read).

I know I tend to ramble, but from the very beginning I have wanted this blog to be an outlet for me to just "speak" what is on my mind and heart. The point in all of this is that over the past 9 months I have found plenty of opportunity to not be content with being a stay at home mom. And very little of that has to do with what goes on in our lives on a daily basis. It has more to do with what I perceive I'm missing out on or not doing well enough.

My prayer lately has been that God would bring me some peace in this area of life. I truly am so thankful that I have the ability to say that I am "just" a stay at home mom. I want to feel that contentment more wholly, I guess. I want to trust that if God has a greater purpose for me being at home than I am already living out, that I would be smart enough to shut up and listen to Him. And if He just wants me to keep doing what I'm doing, I pray that he would make me content doing it just like I am.

I really meant to write this yesterday, so this is Day 15: I am thankful that I am just a stay at home mom!! I truly am.

UPDATE: My sister just called me and told me this is the most depressing entry ever. HAHA! I am not trying to be depressing, I promise! And I know all of these expectations are not realistic, I am NOT trying to be Supermom. I don't want to be Supermom. Just sayin'.